Suicide bereavement is a newly developing field of research in the UK, yet over 6,600 people take their own lives here every year. This heuristic inquiry aims to explore the lived experiences of trainee psychotherapists bereaved by maternal suicide. It examines the lived experiences of the researcher and two participants, with data collected through interviews, dreams and journalling. The findings revealed five themes: 1) It's not just about the suicide, 2) The pain continues -- attachment, abandonment and fear, 3) Left with all the unprocessed feelings -- "the shit", 4) Trigger after trigger -- complicated experiences of psychotherapy training, 5) A catastrophic loss that no one "gets". Implications for the counselling and psychotherapy profession are discussed.