Despite being a staple of academic life (or perhaps because it is so taken-for-granted), the academic conference has been generally under-utilised as a site for academic research. Using participant observation as its methodology, this article draws on a long career of conference attendance to present two iron laws of conferences which address the relative smartness of dress of conference convenors and conference delegates. The social processes underpinning the sartorial phenomenon addressed by these laws are explicated. A third law is also introduced in a desperate attempt on the part of the author to secure the immortality sought by all who make their thoughts public by publishing them in academic journals.