Purpose: In this paper, the author reflects on her researcher experiences of attempting to construct co-productive epistemic relations in her ethnographic doctoral research about a gallery youth collective. The paper engages with debates about the nature of co-productive relations, advocating for a more affective approach which attends to multiple, temporary moments within the research, rather than seeking a grand or unified process of collaboration. Design/methodology/approach: This methodological paper draws on the records and reflections the author generated in the process of undertaking collaborative ethnographic research, considered with a specific theoretical resource (Lauren Berlant's Cruel Optimism (2011)) to construct a reflexive narrative from her doctoral research experiences. Findings: The paper discusses the multiple, shifting ways in which research relationships unfolded in the author's doctoral research and the impasse this generated in the author's understanding of desirable co-productive relations. Reflecting with Berlant's Cruel Optimism (2011) allowed the author to understand the COVID-19 crisis as the rupture of the author's attachment to this relational fantasy. Beyond this rupture, the author was able to more fully attend to fleeting, affective moments as a form of co-production within the research. Originality/value: The paper contributes to the growing anthology of critical and reflexive narratives about co-production; these collectively provide a resource for researcher reflection and for teaching about collaborative practices.