In this article, we explore our experienced tensions as we accepted responsibility for the privilege of our lived experiences towards becoming antiracist mathematics teacher educators. We employed a collaborative self-study to examine and uncover the ways in which existing systemic barriers were mirrored in our own practices. Weekly dialogue centered on self-assigned readings as they pertained to our teaching. Qualitative data sources included agendas, reflections, transcripts of dialogue, and course materials. We experienced multiple tensions, and found that engaging in rehearsals afforded us opportunities to move beyond inaction and grapple with our internalized racism. While our critical friendship provided an avenue to monitor our (in)actions and apply dialogue to rehearse and lean into our tensions, we experienced many missteps and failed to consider our identities. Our experienced tensions may be common to other White teacher educators who also stand at this critical nexus.