A direct and definitive response to the creationist Noah's ark arguments is presented in this publication. Although the Bible is used as a constant reference point, the author does not engage in biblical criticism. The critique is rather directed at the leading creationist books and experimental studies that seek to scientifically prove that the ark story can be treated as secular history. Major areas examined include: building the ark; accommodating the animals (considering the genetic and taxonomic problems); survival of marine and freshwater animals, plants, and seeds; size limitations; gathering the cargo (considering animal migration, parasites and diseases, and boarding the ark); surviving the flood (in terms of the ark and the animals); caring for the cargo (discussing animal hibernation, feeding, special dietary needs, storage of food and water, sanitation and water disposal, ventilation, light and temperature levels, and problems for the crew); and disembarking on Mount Ararat, the release of the animals, and their survival and redistribution. The evidence considered suggests beyond any reasonable question that such a voyage never took place and could not possibly have ever occurred. A five-page bibliography is included. (JN)