This book guides the novitiate (and those who aspire to be professors) through the intricacies of survival and gives much tongue-in-cheek advice on how to be good at professoring. The author explains the mechanics of the hiring process, unique to academia, in which supply greatly exceeds demand, and nobody seems to pay much attention to the matter of salary. He also explains the perennial debate between the importance-of-teaching faction and the importance-of-research faction, and suggests ways of striking a balance without too much bloodshed. A chapter on how to cope with day-to-day problems deals with assigning grades, advising students, handling romantic involvements, and avoiding committee assignments. (Author)